On my mind

This sweet cheery girl has been on my mind for quite some time now.  She has the unfortunate experience of being our first child and therefore our guinny pig.  I have found myself over the last few weeks examining how we get to be who we are.  I can tell you a handful of childhood/young adult experiences that truley shaped me as a person.  Many of them were situations out of my control yet had such an intense impact on who I am today.  While my parents have never been the kind of parents I needed, they did the best they were willing to do.  I often thought when I was a kid that they were just making do until we were out of the house.  Sometimes I still think that but as I look back I see two people who had a lot going on (6 kids!) and who weren't really ready(or willing) to be parents.

However when it comes to our family I don't want to just get by.  I really want to be the very best parent I am possibly capable of being, trying everything I can to help shape these little people into outstanding people.  To me mothering is an intentional act.  Some women are inately a mother but most of us have to try and be the mother we wish to be.  As I have pondered our family and that sweet girl above, I realize that I have floated through this parenting maze with my head just barely above water.  There is so much to know and I feel so ill-equiped with thte knowledge.  For me, having a child who is different than what I thought she would be, this has intensified the drowning feelings.  I sometimes (okay very often) end my days with tears in my eyes because I fear I have failed this child. 

Over the years we have dealt with many different issues that have come up and sometimes I wonder if I have started to see only the "issues" instead of the little girl.  Sometimes my mind is so filled with "what will work?", "how can I fix, change, help, etc?", "what can I do?" that I have forgotten the very most important thing that I as a mother can do.  I must make my deep love of her known.  No matter what "problems", "differences", or "issues" come up I fear I have forgotten to let her know that I love her no matter what.  I love her for all her quirks.  I have forgotten that she is not an "issue" to be fixed but a gentle, loving little girl. 

So in the last few weeks I have been thinking how I can show this to her and accept her more.  As I ponder this more and more I have noticed that I am dealing with her differently.  I am seeing some of the old habits and frustrations slip away.  I am enjoying her for who she is instead of what I can fix.  (Can you tell I am a total type A, first born, personallity here, nope didn't think so!)  Things are  much smoother around here and oddly enough I am less inclined to change her and more inclined to embrace her differences, to view them as strengths rather than faults.

In the coming months I hope to see some positive changes in her but more importantly in Me and my expectations of our family. 

Anyway it was just on my mind.