This is probably the most re-written post I have ever done. I have started this post at least a dozen times in the last week but always erase it and walk away. The events of the past couple weeks have taken a toll on me. Not events in my life but in the lives of so many around the world. I am not one to watch the news or read the papers. I can't handle the negativity that permeates those mediums. However with the gruesome events of this month I have found myself stuck to my computer reading about murdered children, murdered fathers, or murdered strangers. The amount of needless death has broken my heart. I have found myself bordering on tears and panic most days while having moments of such sweetness it takes my breath away. I've stayed home more often than not just to be with my family, just to feel love and comfort. It is in this frame of mind that I have tried to write this post so many times.
Our life here is simple. We love each other and we get by. We find pleasure in the simple things as most often those are the only things we have. We struggle financially everyday and occasionally find ourselves in a relationship funk or two. But each night we go to bed with hugs, kisses and I love you's all around. We don't live an exciting life, in fact I am sure to many it would be as dull as can be, but it suits us.
This past year has been the most difficult in our 13 years of marriage. The amount of insecurity in so many facets of life has been overwhelming. Many nights have ended with my tears on an old lumpy pillow. The stress effected the kids in ways I never want them to experience again. With some sort of health crisis for the better part of the year we have found ourselves drained of all energy. Owning a business, that for a time, couldn't maintain itself let alone our needs let the kids experience a loss of all sorts of fun. There were no fishing trips to the lake this year, no horse back riding lessons, gymnastics or dance. There was nothing extra to give, energy or money.
And yet as I look back on the year I can't help but think things were actually pretty dang good. Without extra money, Ian engineered a bow and arrow set that could shoot 30 feet. Caitlin designed new ear rings from old ones and extra beads and buttons in my sewing stash. The kids felt the stress and loss of favorite activities yet still had a summer filled with wonder because imagination is something no one can take away. Dean and I were forced to focus on those little things that can eat a person whole if not addressed but in doing so we discovered a whole new side to each other. We have taken these experiences and turned toward each other. We have taken struggle and turned it into some sort of beauty that has nourished us through the year.
While there is little of this year I care to remember I do want to keep in mind just how fragile life and love is. That somewhere in this year we have chosen to let this small life together mean something and be something worth fighting for. If this year was for nothing more than that then it was worth every second of heartbreak and tears.
The coming year will have lessons I am sure. It's bound to have ups and down, bumps and bruises but I hope that through those times I can remember the fragility of life. Every second really does matter. This year I choose to make those seconds count, these people count. Because one day it will end and in the end we will only have the love that we gave to speak of the life that we have lived.
Here's wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year.
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